It tricks you. It works against you. You battle it.
When living with a schizophrenic disorder, your brain can become your foe. Your brain, the control center, can fool you and send you on a detour.
As anyone with any form of schizophrenia can attest to, social interactions are a challenge. But at the same time, the isolation is painful. And enter in that pesky brain, you can go down a path of paranoia, self doubt, isolation, fear, and arrive at a place where social interactions are far from your abilities.
I found myself there recently; on that detour of isolation that was partially self made and partially cemented by delusions. I let the voice mails pile up on phone… a total of twelve voice mails that I was too afraid to listen to and could not begin to even respond. I also began to think how my friends had decided to cut me out of their lives- based on nothing but faulty brain messages. I was also convinced these friends were talking about me in a negative way with each other. I missed a get together with a friend and didn’t even respond to the friend about the get together. I found myself paralyzed by a brain that couldn’t fathom the complication of making a simple phone call.
As I traveled on this detour of isolation, my brain continued to trap me with delusions and paranoia. And slowly, without warning, the fog began to lift just a little and I was able to reach out just a little to a friend. There was no rhyme or reason to the cycling of the delusions or paranoia. No warning.
Isolation in schizophrenic disorders is complicated. For one, your brain does you no favors as it transforms reality. Also, relating to others, in and of itself, is a challenge. The isolation seems to be a common state that just reaches high points at times.
I think this is one of the reasons I write. I send out these experiences to vast virtual world. It is a way to connect and lessen the isolation that can trap me. So, if you are reading this, thank you for helping me break the isolation.