I have all the supplies for the big Thanksgiving meal. Today, my boy and I ventured out and rented several DVDs for my little family of three to enjoy over the long weekend. There are decorations- leaves swinging down from the ceiling and festive decorations on the French doors.
But, I feel like I forgot something.
Fifteen years ago this holiday season, I severed my relationship with my parents. It was both the correct and best decision I could have made. Furthermore, now that I have a son, this decision is even more resolute. I wish my parents no ill will or harm, but they are not welcome in my life. Of course, this makes me parentless by choice.
Many ask why when they learn of this aspect of my life. I generally try to be as vague as possible out of respect for them. I will now say that my childhood was abusive in varied ways. I can also say that the dysfunction within my relationship with them was so extreme that they were, in actuality, toxic for me. Even as an adult, I would be pulled back in so easy; feeding into the dysfunction and manipulation. It truly is best for them to have their life, and me to have my life. Parentless by choice is the healthiest choice for me.
But, I cannot deny that you feel a loss through this process. It is not necessarily that you miss that exact parent, but you have to let go of the dream that somehow the parent you deserved was going to emerge. The loss of a dream is difficult. There is a unique grieving process involved. And after you have worked through that grieving process, you can still sometimes feel like you are missing something… or forgot something.
And that is where I am at. I am all prepared to celebrate the day of thanks with my husband, son, sister-in-law, and father-in-law… and that sneaky forgetful feeling nags a bit. But, that is okay, I have my family from scratch. Nothing forgotten.
May we all give thanks this week for the family we have… whether that family is blood, marriage, partnerships, friendships, or any other kinship relation. May we give thanks for those we trust, love, and value.